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Not Just Another Resolution Rant…


2012. It is 2012. Two thousand and twelve. Now, is it just me or does that still seem futuristic?! Surely there should be flying cars and teleportation in a year like 2012?

Anyway, anyway, I suppose in the light of it being a new year and all (did I mention it’s 2012?) I should delve into a ramble on the January RESOLUTION RUSH. Yes, you know the tide of sickly optimism and determination that floods us every time January rears its -bitterly cold and bland- head. You know it’s arrived by just looking out of your window in the morning. There, swarms a variety of wheezing runners, red faced and struggling, looking misplaced in their new, state of the art ‘air light’ tracksuits. It’s hilarious to watch. In fact, my favourite game at the moment is watching the runners gradually deplete in numbers and enthusiasm as the January weeks unfold. It’s like chickens getting plucked away from their group one by one, except in this case the foxes causing the disappearance are of the crunchy, golden, packeted kind.

Even more rapid is the evaporation of resolutions when it comes to the teenage field. Be it the usual; punctuality, not snacking between meals or even just getting more organised, we all know it’s only a matter of hours before we’re pegging it late and flustered to registration, munching on a pack of chocolate digestives while frantically searching for our locker keys. Ahh, I just love it. I actually think it’s intrinsically human to flop at our resolutions.

So, the resolution nonsense aside (because let’s face it, we’re all sick to death of that topic at the moment) I think it best to explore something else in my new year’s piece. I know, lucky you, I can practically see the joyous tears of relief glazing your eyes now.

So, Christmas came and went. The roasted banquet, the tree, the TV specials all over in a tinsel-drenched, festive flash. But there is something we overlook. Something that arrives every year without fail and it is this, dear people, which I wish to discuss. Oh yes, I’m talking about the facial façade of opening unwanted presents.

Every year come those indescribable looks on people’s faces as they unwrap an unwanted present. The eyes, the nose, the flinching, the voice pitch that rises after opening an undesired gift really is just priceless.

Nothing beats watching the inexperienced. Their pathetic attempts-with obvious disappointment plastered all over their faces- always ends in blushing. Everyone knows they don’t like what they’ve opened. It’s hilarious, to watch. Then there are some who are experts at it. They’ve had enough experience to have learnt how to handle the situation with care. I am one of these people. Are you?


 If not, to spare feelings and diffuse an awkward situation follow my festive facade steps when you next open presents…

Upon opening:

  1.  Widen your eyes immediately (This gives a shocked affect, and the strain of widening makes your eyes water, thus they glaze over into a seemingly awestruck and joyous look)
  2.  Quickly pick out an aspect of the present and say why you like it  (If you panic and time is racing-go for colour. It’s the easiest)
  3. Rotate the present and look at it from all angles, while softly commenting on how it will really go with something you already own (The rotation distracts them, thus they are not fully focused on the words leaving your mouth. Your soft talking in the background offers reassurance and lulls them into believing your gratitude.
  4. Make sure your talking tone is light and upbeat and talking MUST commence as soon as the  present is opened   (Any delay hints at disappointment. And we really don’t want that; you’ll be sussed.)
  5. Lastly, the key step. If all else fails or you’ve messed up the previous steps- go for THE HUG. (This switches the verbal struggle to a physical act of warmth and joy. If conducted well, they may even take the hug as you ‘not being able to put your gratitude into words’)


So, there’s my New Year’s gift to all you inexperienced out there who find themselves messy and unconvincing when it comes to forcing false gratification. So once you’ve ditched the 2012 resolutions, why not give the above steps a go in this upcoming year and see how you fare? Who knows, perhaps mastering this trickery technique today… teleportation and flying cars tomorrow…


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